Vegas Under Attack!
“Howdy Pardner” Vegas Vic
later in todays column:
“the future of polyester”
“the pinto vs the gremlin”
“ludes vs blow”
also:” is tricky dick ficked?”
"Destiny always reassembles itself to the pattern it is supposed to be." -dd
The Days the Music Died
It's All Bach's Fault! ...By V
Strap yourself in for some schooling, my dear friends. In this, the first of a series on music’s ups and downs, triumphs and perils, I will reveal to you a crazy theory. A theory so far out of conventional wisdom, many of you will stop reading once I make the statement.
Johann Sebastian Bach killed music. Yes, THE Johann Sebastian Bach from the turn of the 18th Century, revered by all — except yours truly — to be one of the greatest composers to ever live, stabbed music in the back and twisted the proverbial knife. Now, catch your collective breaths. Grab a paper bag and breathe if need be… I warned you.
Vice & Counsel
The Wisdom of a Waitress
….so once upon a neon moon.. I was dropped off, kicked out, shoved aside and left to rot in this clusterphuk of a burg by that miserable bagoshyt xofmine and our wonderful dream of opening our own restaurant became a crappy nightmare. Naturally, the jerk’s got a whole different take on the sordid tale… but that’s another story we’ll get into later, sweeties.
“Born under a bad sign
Dropped under a stop sign”
So, after literally lifting my ass off the sidewalk, I dragged this broken bod into the closest greasy spoon where I managed to grab a cup of mud at the counter while I watched our waitress do a tantric-style methedrine dance, freak out and start a wicked knife fight with the graveyard cook. She gets arrested and guess who gets her shift? Yours truly… and I’ve been working the graveyard counter ever since.
Now… you gotta understand.. this is the kind of joint where everybody ends up by sunrise. We got your big-time stars of the strip and beyond, drug addicts, hookers, bookers, off duty cops , on duty pimps and the other freaks of nature wandering the asphalt at this ungodly hour. Naturally, I got to know everybody’s story….uncut and unclean…if you know what I mean?
“Breaking news: Our gravegal becomes part owner and renames it Krystal’s”
So, go ahead and address your inquiries or whatever to Krystal and when I’m not slinging hash to the lunatics I’ll grab a cuppa joe, light a chesterfield and attempt to handle the heavy stuff like….
What Siegfried did to Roy; What Rodney D. used our meat locker for; Did Mr. Vegas’ receive illegal butt implants? Who basically takes it where and what everyone seems to be searching for… honestly, it ain’t fricken pie and coffee, kids.
Anyway the joints starting to fill up, so hurry up with your orders, I’ve got customers waiting, honey.
P.S. I hope you rot in hell, D. ~I~
Just who does he think he is? This cat rolls into town like he owns the place. Our top shutterbug is on the spot, catching the famous in the act! Find out more in next month's issue.
HITS, CHIPS & BETS
RUMBLE IN THE JUNGLE ...by One-Eyed Jack
It will to be the biggest sporting event in the history! Where will you watch the biggest boxing match this planet has ever seen. In 40 years you kids will ask “Dad, did you watch the Rumble in the Jungle?” You’d better be able to answer yes.
September 24th, Live from Kinshasa Zaire, The heavy weight champion of the world defends his title against Muhammad Ali in a scheduled 15 round fight. Better get your pay per view ordered today!
George Foreman is the most dangerous man alive! No man in the history of sports has ever delivered harder shots than this giant. There are some who fear for the life of the American hero Mohamed Ali. They think he could actually kill Ali right in the ring. How could any man ever survive such a vicious attack?
A satire for the serious lunatic, TOO HARD TO SWALLOW takes the listener along on one man’s journey to the darkest corners of the food, beverage, music industriy and it’s outlandish inherit social interactions.
All viewed through the blood shot eyes, bitter taste and ringing ears of a disgruntled 40 year restauranteur.
Meet our anti-hero Doctor Daddy and his BFM Mother Earth as they secretly battle the evil arch nemesis’ that have threatened the very foundation of the f&b industry’s rep with their filthy, cost cutting deceptive practices. Oh and feed the unfortunate.
In this episode… the dr. survives an assassination attempt and isn’t looking forward to his continuing battle of wits with the bad taste boogeymen right now.
Also… Introducing “The Bitter Taste”: Restaurantics 101 or How to Lose the Farm in 10 Easy Episodes.
Mother has a “Mr. Rogers” introspective moment, then suddenly turns quite preachy…hot flashes next? Also: a secret alarm system gets installed.
Aries: Be as cocky as you want. Screw anyone else that stands in your way.
Taurus: Let some steam out and flair your nostrils. Run head on into obstacles full speed.
Gemini: Drink and party to your heart’s content. Quaaludes anyone?
Cancer: Don’t answer questions directly. Grin and keep everyone guessing.
Leo: Do everything in your power to keep the attention on you. After all, everyone likes you best anyway.
Virgo: No one else knows as much as you about anything. Feel free to announce this to those around you.
Libra: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, unless you are a Libra – no one compares to the reflection in the mirror.
Scorpio: Observe others closely so your judgement is accurate and useful in the future.
Sagittarius: Don’t bother trying to keep your legs crossed… just find a Sag guy he’ll be happy to oblige.
Capricorn: Over analyze everything, then you can be sure to not miss the downside.
Aquarius: Take credit for all good ideas. This is the only way to get ahead.
Pisces: Base all decisions on emotion, that’s the way to true happiness.